When I reflect on the last three months and then on the last several years, it takes my breath away. How did we get here in the middle of our dreams?
Four and a half years ago, Danielle and I got married. It was a beautiful, small, intimate ceremony with a reception afterwards, to which my family has compared all the receptions following. I was a grateful and joy-filled groom, and I was enthusiastic about our future.
But shortly into our marriage, I became deeply depressed. I was starting a company, learning new things, digging deep into myself and the world around me for answers to huge questions, and trying to understand this new big part of my life with Danielle; and I was just plain overwhelmed. I wish I could say I had faith through it all, but that’s just not true. I doubted myself, my business, my plans, my marriage, and the existence of a God that loves me, so many times. It has taken me years to shake free of that pain. And when I look back now, I see that the suffering and struggle was all inextricably necessary.
All of the moments, even the intensely painful ones, were a segment of a gently unfolding path to provide perspective and cold, hard truth. Our lives are a mosaic of terror and joy, pain and passion, confusion and confidence, presented to us; so we can turn around at the end of it all and see our need for Christ and His finished work to give us more than we’ve ever earned – to allow us to revel in what we are receiving from Him.
It’s been three months since we gave up the house hunt for the second time, three months since the seemingly silly live-in-an-RV idea first came up, and three months of walking forward and watching the path just lay down right in front of us toward this dream.
I’m stunned. God is way too good! With such ease and grace, He has brought us here, and the whole journey was important.
Our finances are getting healthier. Our communication has improved. And our marriage is flourishing – and it’s not one of those I-think-my-marriage-is-doing-great-but-my-spouse-secretly-disagrees things. We both feel such a strong connection growing between us, and it’s awesome!
All we did was walk in a new direction together as a unit, and God opened up door after door.
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?
We are indeed slowly, but surely, being given all things. I can feel this, heavy on my back in the best way. God loves us and really does want more for us. I’ve gotten to see some amazing things in the past few months that I can hardly put into words.
Our friends and family have been so supportive – some financially. And we haven’t really had anyone give us negative input. My favorite reaction to the news that we bought an RV was my father-in-law’s. He is so thrilled for us!
My wife has come alive with excitement and creativity, and it’s intoxicating! We’re talking together about life and ideas and struggles, instead of getting stuck in our own dimly lit worlds. Over four years, we’ve grown from semi-complacent, married roommates to bonafide best friends! I am truly blessed to be married to such an amazing woman. I now know better than ever – I married up!
We’re planning renovations on the RV, and we’re actually agreeing – a lot! We don’t have our heads completely wrapped around it yet, but that’s okay. And for the things we don’t understand and the few things we don’t agree on, our favorite phrase has become, “We’ll figure it out,” because we really do have faith that we will – faith in God and faith in each other.
Most importantly, my spiritual state has improved by fathoms. The darkness behind us looks like a dot in the distance from here. God has shown me how He loved me in the depths and how He can, and will, love me in the heights. God loves us and gives great gifts in, and through, depression.
Now the world is bright and fresh again, and I know I never walk alone. I am very often visited by that old familiar buzz in my soul and deep wonder in each slow breath. Life is good, the adventure has begun, and I can’t think of a single thing I would change about my life right now. I’m enjoying the walk.